I grew up in Jamaica and when I was young my mother went abroad to work.
That day changed everything. I remember crying my eyes out, especially knowing I would stay with the one woman I feared the most. My aunt. Long story short, living with her and my cousin was the most painful experience. I felt trapped and alone. I would get beaten for telling the truth and I had no say in the matter. Most times I would just say I was wrong, because she never believed anything I said. This carried on for years, but at 12 I had enough and tried to end my life. This didn’t work out though, because all the methods I thought of would cause me more pain. And that was the last thing I needed. It’s like I was drowning and I felt like a coward who couldn’t find a way out.
School life was no better. I was bullied in primary school but my high school it intensified. Those I called friends, one by one joined my bullies and turned against me. There was not one day I didn’t face the looks, the bad mouthing and the rumours. What made it worse was that I could not cry about it. Ever since that day when my aunt asked me why I was crying for my mom and disregarded the sadness I felt, I did not cry because I knew there would be no one to console me.
I questioned why God was doing this to me. I felt unloved. My aunt despised me for being my mom’s child (something she constantly reminded me of) and I blamed my mom for letting me stay with her.
For years I could not forgive and from time to time the memories would resurface. But after rediscovering God’a love, I have begun to remove those lies I came to believe, from my life. I am able to say that my life matters and that nothing could separate me from God’s love.
I won’t lie there are still times I want to give up, but it has become so much easier because I know God cares and even if I gave up, he would not leave me. And that is all the reassurance I could ever need.